Of Warriors and Pudding
by Lady Storm
Summary: [EDITED & COMPLETE] It's back, meaner, uglier, and as tasteless as ever! Join Martin on his quest to avenge his pudding, and chase Gonff around Mossflower with a cellphone and chandelier. Now with 50 percent more stupidity!
1. How The Tragedy Started

**PLEASE READ: **This story is a PARODY. It's _supposed_ to be crude, stupid, and insulting. That's pretty much what parodies ARE. I do not really hate 50 cent (see chapter 3) and I am merely poking fun at a common fact about the Redwall books (again, chapter 3). I respect and adore Brian Jacques and his work (otherwise why would I write about them?). Any offence is unintentional and apologized for in advance. _If you can't understand that, you have no business reading this story._ Thank you.

_**Disclaimer: **Do I even really need to bother? Oh wait, yes I do. I don't own Harry Potter, Roald Dahl's Oompa Loompas, g4tv's Franken Pierrery, Kool-Aid, sporks (damnit), 50 cent, the Matrix, Undergrads, anything else I probably missed, and of course Redwall & it's characters. I DO own: Jim the Narrator, myself (Lady Storm), Bird Bob the Cigar Smoking Bird, Pete, any character with a name beginning with 'random', and pretty much everything else._

In other words, **if you recognize it from somewhere else, that's where it came from**. Simple as that. Cheers!

* * *

Jim the Narrator: We see a pleasant day in the peaceful Mossflower Woods. The Abbey of… uh, Redwall, is standing nice and tall in the middle of the peaceful Mossflower Woods on this pleasant day. Happy, joyful beasts are doing random, happy, joyful things in the nice, tall abbey of Redwall in the middle of the peaceful Mossflower Woods on this pleasant day – 

Lady Storm: GET ON WITH IT!

Jim the Narrator: Humph! Anyhootles, it's breakfast time, right? And most beasts are, like, still eating, right? But some beasts are, like, still in bed, or like, just getting up, right? And –

Storm: ... (_Aiming laser gun_)

Jim: FINE! Anyway, Gonff was trying to get a certain warrior out of bed…

**(REDWALL ABBEY; Martin's Room)**

Martin:(_In bed_) Must… sleep…. Zzz..

Gonff: Out, mate! (_Grabs Martin by the foot paws, trying to wrench him out of bed_) Ngngnnh!

Martin: Screw… you! Lemme sleep!

Jim the Narrator: Obviously, he's not getting very far.

Gonff: (_Gasping_) No durr! Come ON, matey, or I'll eat yer pudden!

Martin: Yeah, right! Go harass some other sleepy victim, why don't you?

Gonff: Well, I could do that…

Martin: Whew!

Gonff: Or not.

Martin: Drat!

Gonff: Besides, they always call for Bella, who spanks me.(_looks down sadly_)

Martin: Hahahahaha! (_Gasps, then pauses_) But I'm still not getting out of bed.

Gonff: Fine, then! I'll go eat your pudding, then! You've been warned, then!

Martin: (_Couldn't care less, cause he doesn't believe him_) Pssh. I couldn't care less, 'cause I don't believe you!

Narrator: HEY! I just said that!

Martin: What are you gonna do about it?

Narrator: Set a whole group of fangirls on you!

Martin: ... (_Visibly pales_) Okay, you win...

Gonff: (_Has already walked off_)

Bella: (_Passing by_) Hn, Martin, still in bed? –

Martin: (_Interrupts_) What, you got a problem with me being in bed for once? I mean, I'm always the one that's up at the crack of dawn helping you lazy lot, and when I finally get some rest you complain about it? Do you know how hard I work to - (_Rambles on_)

**(HALF AN HOUR LATER)**

Martin: -This is completely absurd! I swear there should be a law against this kind of discrimination. You hear me?

Bella: (_Snoring_) Zzz…

Martin: ... SEE!

Abbess Germaine: (_Passing by_) Hn, Martin, still in bed?

Martin: For crying out loud, not you too! Apparently there is something very wrong with beasts toda-

Abbess Germaine: SHUT UP! I get it already!

Martin: (_Wimpers_)

Abbess Germaine: Besides, what Bella was going to say is that Gonff was eating your pudding. Too late now though. (_Shrugs and walks off_)

Martin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (_Demonic_) NO ONE EATS MY PUDDEN! (_Jumps out of bed, magically clothing himself in the process, and runs down to the Entrance Hall_)

Jim the Narrator: Thus we see a happy Gonff patting his bulging stomach and sighing, and a devastated Beau staring at the no longer existent food.

Beau: M'food, wot! That blighter ate me food! I WANT ME FOOD! Bad form, chap, eating a poor starving hare's food!

Jim: Any bets on his favourite word?

Gonff: (_Burps_) That pudding was the best… hehee…

Martin: (_Runs down the stairs and roars_) WHERE IS MY PUDDEN?

Beau: (_Sniffs_) In his disgraceful stomach, wot! (_Points_)

Gonff: Er, no, it wasn't me, I swear!

Martin: Spit it out, you rogue!

Gonff: (_Points to ceiling_) Uh, look! It says 'gullible' on the ceiling!

Beau and Martin: (_Both look up_) Huh? Where?

Gonff: (_Dashes off in a mad surge of speed, trips on a brick, cries for five minutes, then hobbles away)_

**(LATER)**

Skipper of Otters: (_Passing by_) Eh, what are ye two lookin' at?

Martin: (_Has a head rush and a sore neck_) Uh… Skipper, do you see the word 'gullible' on the ceiling?

Skipper: (_Snorts_) What is this, some sorta lame joke? I won't fall for that twice! (_Stomps off_)

Beau: Eh? What's wrong with that fella, wot?

Martin: Dunno. Keep looking!

**(EVEN LATER)**

Lady Amber Squirrel Queen: (_Passing by... couldn't have guessed that, could you!) _For Pete's Sake –

Pete: Yes?

Amber: Oh, stuff it. (_Shoves Pete back to the nothingness he came from_) Anyway, you've been standing here for – (_Checks magically appearing watch_) Um, 29 minutes. But still! What are you staring at?

Martin: Argh! Blood rush! (_Holds head for a bit_) Well, we're looking for the word 'gullible' that's supposedly written on the ceiling!

Amber: (_Peeks quickly at ceiling_) Really? Uh, I mean, you two DO know what gullible means, don't you?

Jim: Beau and Martin shake their poor, blood-rushed heads.

Amber: It means 'Easily tricked'.

Martin: What-? (_Realizes what happened_) CRAP! (_Looks around_) Gonff must be long gone by now!

**(MEANWHILE, IN MOSSFLOWER WOODS)**

Gonff: Heehee! They must've have figured that I'm long gone by now! _(Trips on a tuft of grass and cries for five minutes, then hobbles off)_

**(BACK IN REDWALL)**

Jim: And here we see Martin, Lady Amber, Beau, and Columbine running up the stairs to the parapet surrounding the abbey walls. I don't know why Columbine's here though… Ah, screw that.

Beau: (Wheezes) Well, that was quite a climb, wot!

Martin: (_Panting_) Curse my approaching old age! All right, where's Bella?

Jim: …Then they see Bella, who has set up a painting stand on the walls, and is painting something that wouldn't even put a Dibbun to shame while sipping on ice tea.

Bella: (_Talking to a nearby brick_) Alright, I'm tired of being laughed at by Martin because of my lack of artistic abilities! -

Jim: Everyone looks at Martin, who whistles and looks around innocently.

Bella: - Now, come on, Jack, stay still!

Brick: …

Bella: Stop moving around like that, I need to get better at this! (_Accidentally spills dirty water used for cleaning brushes off the wall_) **(CENSORED CENSORED) (CENSORED AGAIN)! **NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, JACK!

Jack the Brick: …

Bella: DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, YOU **(CENSORED)**!

Columbine: ...Perhaps she was abused as a dibbun.

All Others: (_Nod in agreement_)

Jim: Anyway, Martin, Beau, Amber and Columbine clap their paws to their ears as Bella continues to expand her vocabulary.Then, she notices them.

Bella: What you brain-dead idiots want!

Columbine: Martin is out to skin Gonff alive -

Bella: About time!

Columbine: -But he has to find him first. We were wondering if we could use Chibb to locate him, you know…

Bella: Well, Chibb died yesterday from suffocation. Accepted another bird's challenge to see who could make worst idiots of themselves and eat the biggest candied chestnuts…

Amber: Don't tell me... He won.

**(FLASHBACK)**

Chibb: BWAHAHA! I am the king of scoffing Chestnuts! Muahahah! Take that, you cigar-smoking bird! HA - (_Hacks, coughs, chokes_)

Cigar-smoking bird: Heh...

Chibb: (_Coughs hoarsely_) Some - bird -help – me!

Random Bird #1: I never liked that Chibb anyway.

Random Bird #2: You know what this means?

Chibb: (_Cough_) I beg your pardon?

Random Bird #2: PAAAAAARTYYY!

Random Bird: #3: I'LL GET THE POPCORN!

Cigar Smoking Bird: NYAHAHAHA! (_Pelts Chibb with popcorn while chewing on his cigar_)

Chibb: NOOOOO-hack-OOOOOO! (_Dies_)

Random Bird #1: We're gonna PARTY like it's 1995!

Random Bird #3: Can't touch this... (_starts dancing somehow_)

**(END FLASHBACK)**

All: YEEEEEAAAAAAH! Our Candied Chestnuts are finally safe and sound!

Bella: …But he can't track people down no more.

All: (_Silent_)

Goody Stickle: (_Stomping up the parapet, all wet_)

Beau: Hey, that rhymes, wot!

All: ... (_Gives Beau a disgusted look_)

Beau: Hmph.

Goody Stickle: WHAT THE **(CENSORED) **DO YOU **(CENSORED) **THINK YOUR **(CENSORED) **DOING?

Bella: (_Quietly_) Daddy, save me now.

Martin: (_Looks at Bella strangely_)

Goody Stickle: WHICH BEAST WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DUMP THIS DIRTY PAINT WATER ON MY HEAD AND MY BEAUTIFUL NEWLY-POLISHED SPIKES!

Bella: …(_Looks around innocenty while others stare hard at her_)

Amber: Wait, Goody, can you help us? We're on a quest!

Goody: (_Suddenly interested_) Oh, really? Shoot!

Amber: Well, since Chibb ain't alive no more, we were wondering if you knew of another bird that could track down Gonff?

Goody: Hm, I think I know what you are talking about. (_She puts a paw to her mouth and whistles)_

Jim: Then, out of nowhere, they see a dark, blurry shape coming towards them from the woods!

Martin: It's a bird!

Beau: No way, chap, it's a plane, wot!

Columbine: It's SUPERMA - oh wait, it's a bird.

Martin: (_Looks around smugly_)

Jim: Not quite suddenly, a bird sucking on a foul-smelling cigar lands on the walltop.

Cigar Smoking Bird: What the hook gon' be?

Everybeast: ...

C-S-B: Well, anyway, I see you've called me, the best spy around - since Chibb died - to locate somebeast for ya! Well, you've called the right bird for the job. I'm Bob. Bird Bob. (_James Bond music plays in the background_)

Amber: Quit it. (_Glares at beast on the ground below them playing a loud stereo_)

Random Beast With Stereo: (_Mumbles_) Sorry. (_Turns off James Bond music_)

Martin: Anyway, Bob Bird –

Bird Bob: BIRD BOB!

Martin: Uh, right. I have a job for you, Bird Bib!

Bird Bob: BIIIIIIIIIIRD BOOOOOOB!

Martin: Sheesh! Bird BOB, I have a job for you!

Bird Bob: Happy, happy, joy, joy! (_Flies around in circles, hits head on wall, and settles down again, seeing stars_)

Martin:(_Looks at Bella_)...Are you SURE he's the best for the job?

Bella: (_Gulps and shrugs_)

Martin: Nonetheless,I want you to locate Gonff the thief, wanted for eating Martin the Warrior's precious pudding, which is an inexplicable crime! Can you do it? (_Glares at Bird Bob_)

Bird Bob: Yes, sir!

Martin: (_Shouting_) I said, can you do it!

Bird Bob: (_Shouting back_) YES SIR!

All the others: ...

Bella: What is it with these military types, anyway?

Beau: (_Shrugs_) They've been in the business for too long, wot.

Bella: (_Mentally reminds herself to hide her money_)

Jim the Narrator: Meanwhile, Bird Bobby –

Bird Bob: ... (_Aims mallet_)

Jim the Narrator: Uh, okay, Bird Bob went off to search for Gonff who was long gone by now, while the others now including Bella and Goody, stuffed themselves with popcorn, generously donated by Random Birds #1, #2 and #3. Will they find Gonff before he teases an angry fox and gets himself skinned anyway? Will Goody have to re-polish her spikes? Will someone actually care? Read on to find out!

* * *

_Martin: Why did you make me look so stupid? _

_Storm: I was getting tired of seeing you so noble all the time._

_Martin: No you weren't. You love me._

_Storm: (looks around) True... (__Runs away)_

_Martin: Pwned. _


	2. A Bug In The Flashback System

_ For disclaimer & details, see chapter one. For response to reviewers, see chapter three. _

* * *

Jim: When we last left off in _Of Warriors and Pudding_, Martin and company were eating popcorn, and Bird Whatever was off to locate Gonff…

(REDWALL ABBEY, on the wall tops)

Goody: Oh my, Bird Whatshisface should be back by now.

Bella: I don't care. The longer time I can stuff myself with this popcorn, I'm happy.

Beau: Cheers, wot!

Martin: ...You make me sad.

Amber: ...You remind me of a certain Monty Python movie.

Martin: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

Pete: More like olives, really -

Columbine: (_Cringing_) …_Switch scenes, please..._

(Mossflower Woods, at the 'Drunken Clam Bar and Grill')

Bird Bob: And then I said to him, hey, let's go ping-pong piddley in the nuclear sub! And he's like…

(...BACK TO REDWALL)

Martin: (_Tapping watch and foot paw impatiently)_ Damn, I'm getting sick of popcorn. Where is that darn bird?

Jim: Well, Bird Bob finally got sober and stopped feeling like he was hung over. THEN he remembered his mission… and the death threat that came with it.

…(_Nothing happens)..._

Storm: Uh, hi?

Jim: What? Oh! (_Fumbles with a remote control and presses a button, which makes a bunch of words appear in the air)_

Martin and co.: WTF!

Jim: _(Selects correct setting and hits another button)_

(FLASH BACK)

_Martin: (_Shaking Bird Bob violently by the neck)_ Repeat after me, I-will-find-Gonff-and-report-his-whereabouts-to-Martin!_

_Bird Bob: _(Choking)_ I-will-find-Gonff-and-report-his-whereabouts-to-Martin! I swear!_

_Martin: Good, cause you know what's gonna happen to ya if ye don't, right?_

_Bird Bob: Er… no?_

_Martin: _(Takes out sword and makes slicing motions with it)

_B. B.: I'm gone!_

(END OF FLASH BACK)

Jim: Needless to say, Bird Bob got off his lazy tail feathers and got to work… until he passed the _Drunken Clam Bar_ and met someone quite familiar.

Bella: It's like being dead and watching your life pass by your eyes! Minus the dead part.

Beau: M'gel, do chaps actually call you _smart, _wot?

Bella: Wo! What you say, homie! Imma kick yo scrawneh lil' –

Martin: _(Coughs_) A flashback, if you please.

(SECOND FLASHBACK)

_Lady Storm: (_Guzzling down some Flaming Moe)_ 56 bottles hic of sake on the wall, 56 bottles of sake, if one of those bottles hic should happen to fall, 55 bottles of sake on the hic wall!_

_Random Bartender: Nay, it's 56 bottles of sake on the wall, 56 bottles of sake, take on down, pass it around, 55 bottles of sake on the wall!_

_Lady Storm: What do you know! Hic! _(Throws bottle at Random Bartender)

_Jim: Egads! Are you not ashamed, wench?_

_Lady Storm: Am I being insulted by my own narrator?_

_Jim: Hey, no pointing out fourth walls! And no abusing your author powers by getting virtually drunk with virtual beer, either!_

_Lady Storm: But-!_

_Jim: Go to bed young lady! You have school tomorrow!_

_Lady Storm: WTF? Cut! Cut that seen out! They aren't supposed to know tha –_

...(_Camera is shut off_)...

(END OF SECOND FLASHBACK)

Everybeast: …

Jim: …Without further ado, back to Bird Bingo.

B. B.: _(Flying towards the Northlands)_ "Whew! I've scoured the entire woods and STILL haven't found the Gonff beast…." (_Remembers Martin's threat)_ "Eep!" (_Flies faster_)

Jim: Until Bird Barney finally came to a town called 'Noonvale'… and guess who he found…

(NOONVALE)

Grumm: Ho urr, you'm be a funny beast, yes soir!

Gonff: I know, mate, I know. That's how I always got on Martin's nerves!

Grumm: Burr, wait, koind soir, you'm knows Marthen thee Wurrior?

Gonff: Sadly. I mean! Erm, of course. Who doesn't?

Jim: All of a sudden, Bird Bob flies down besides them! Oh, the tension!

Bird Bob: Quiet, infidel. (_coughs_) Well, if it isn't Gonff the Thief!

Gonff: Naturally... (_gulps)_ Did Martin send you?

Bird Bob: Yep-a-dee!

Jim: Suddenly, Urran Voh appears on the scene, holding a cell phone.

Urran Voh: Erm, I received a call from a certain 'Redwall Abbey'… their idiot is missing.

Gonff: That's me! Omigosh, they really _do_ care! (_Wipes tear)_

Urran: (_Backs away a little)_ Just... take the call. Please. Now. (_Thrusts it at Gonff)_

Gonff: A–yep! (_Takes the cell phone)_ Hewwo!

(ON THE OTHER END)

Jim: Martin, Bella, and everybeast else is giggling and whispering like neglected housewives. Rowr -

Bella! (_Punches Jim)_

Columbine: _Hewwo_? What kinda word is that! (_Snickers)_ Oh wait, I'm his wife…_(Slumps down)_

Martin: There, there. (P_ats her back_) You can always cheat, you know.

Columbine: (B_links_)

Jim: Quiet, don't give her any ideas!

Martin: (S_hrugs)_

Amber: Women have rights too! She'll cheat if she bloody darn wants t-

Bella: SSSH! (_In a deep voice_) Hello, Oh Almighty and Quite Wonderful Prince of Mousethieves! This is Mister Pudding, from your stomach!

(BACK AT NOONVALE'S END)

Gonff: (_Pats his belly_) Wow, I swallowed a phone? THAT'S why I heard voices telling me to kill everybeast and then jump off the battlements… and I thought I was crazy! Ahaha! Hello, Mr. Pudding! I hope you are not mad about my eating you and stealing you from Martin!

Jim: Meanwhile, Grumm and Urran are listening to the conversation, though they can only hear Gonff. They realize for the first time that Gonff was really as insane as he said himself to be.

Urran Voh: We've got a situation here.

**(BACK AT REDWALL'S END)**

Jim: Meanwhile, Martin starts getting bloodwrathy, because eating a warrior's pudding is a great unforgivable crime. He starts twitching and foaming while Columbine drags him away to the infirmary.

Bella: Strange beast, him.

Goody Spike: Of course. He's a warrior.

Bella: I was actually talking about - …Ah, erm…. (_Coughs and looks around_) Warrior. Right. Absolutely.

Amber: Are you trying to tell us something?

Beau: (_Coughs again_) Moving on…

Jim: So, While Bella was tricking Gonff into telling them his whereabouts, which wasn't really working, Martin had other ideas.

(IN THE INFIRMARY)

Martin: Lemme go!

Columbine: Never! Muahahaha!

Martin: That's MY laugh!

Columbine: What are you going to do about it?

Martin: Watch and learn…

_THWACK!_

Columbine: My beautiful fur! Wait… did you just hit me with a fish?

Martin: (_Looks at fish_) Uh, no. ...Swordfish, to be exact. Swordfish _carcass_.

Columbine: (_Shivers and faints_)

Martin: (_Laughs evilly_) I thought so too.

Jim the Narrator: So Martin runs off to a payphone inside the Abbey, and listens in to Gonff and Bella's… conversation?

Gonff's Voice: …So then I said to him, I swear I just saw that very same llama at another bar! And he's all -

Bella's Voice: _Zzzzzzz…_

Others In The Background: What? I was beating you two seconds ago! Oh, come on, my tunic is all I have left... _jeese, _I **HATE **strip poker...

Martin: ..._Disturbing... images... entering my head..._

Jim: Surprisingly, they didn't seem to be getting anywhere, so Martin got an idea. He hung up and shouted 'Operator'!

Martin: Operator!

Jim: I just said that!

Martin: Whatever.

Jim: (_Sighs_) Suddenly, the phone rang, and Martin picked it up and disappeared! Well, not completely. He was now jacked out of the Matrix…

Neo: What the hell?

Jim: Uh, never mind. Zoom back!

… (_Nothing happens_)...

Martin: Any day now, friend. I was thinking about growing a beard anyway.

Jim: Oh dear, there must be something wrong with the system!

Martin: No, you just can't press a button properly.

Jim: Well, yeah, that too. So, everyone rewinds in hyper-speed back to when Martin was listening in.

Martin: (_Listens_)

Gonff's Voice: …So then I said to him, I swear I just saw that very same llama at another bar! And he's all -

Bella's Voice: _Zzzzzzz…_

Martin: Is this deja vu or those twelve bottles of Shock I just drank?

Jim: ...Shock. Well, suddenly, Martin hung up, and –

Neo: Ahem HEM.

Jim: That's not what I was gonna say! Martin hung up and took out his cell phone.

Martin: (_Whips out cell phone_) …And where they heck have I been keeping _this_?

Jim: Anyway, Martin dialed Bella's number, who was asleep, so she didn't notice the incoming call. Magically, Martin was able to get through and listen in.

Martin: What was the point of that?

Jim: …(_Mutters under his breath_) Anyway, using his cell phone, Martin located the address of Gonff. He grinned to himself, thinking of what a genius he was –

Martin: What a genius I am!

Jim: I said thinking, retard.

Martin: Thinking, shminking! Always something trivial and petty!

Jim: …Aaaand started packing. He stole a lot of food, other things he didn't need at all, like a chandelier, and took off towards Noonvale. At last, our pitiful quest was going somewhere. Sadly…

Martin: Crap, I can't carry all this! (_Takes out cell phone_) You and I are going to become goooood friends…

Cell phone: …

Martin: (_Calls airport_) Heh heh, no one can beat my genius!

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Yo, wazzup, home dawg.

The Almighty Brian Jaques: (_Pops in outta nowhere_) WTF! I can understand virtual bars,Shock beers, cell phones, and the Matrix, but _airlines_? Stop messing up my story!

Martin: I'm not the one who wrote this story, but…uh… sorry?

Brian Jaques: Not good enough, impudent mortal! _Muahahaha!_

_THWACK!_

Brian Jaques: Put that **(CENSORED) **fish down!

Martin: _SWORD_fish! And no! And that's my laugh! And leave me alone!

_THWACK!_

Brian Jaques: Owowowow!

_THWACK!_

Brian Jaques: MERCY!

Martin: Muahahaha!

_THWACK THWACK THAWCK THWACK…_

Storm: Idiotic, but amusing. (_Eats popcorn_)

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Uh, G-unit? What the fo' shizzle?

Jim: Bella is still asleep, Columbine is combing her beautiful fur and reeking of dead swordfish carcass, Beau is eating all the leftover popcorn, Pete is annoying the heck out of Amber, and Goody is polishing her spikes. And as for Gonff…

Gonff: (_Still talking_) And then he called me a fat vermin wannabe! The insolence! I'm not even fat, I'm skinnier than a stick…

Jim: See you next… chapter? Do those things really exist? Nonetheless, believe it or not, but there is some sort of plot to this story! Special effects, please.

Random Choir: _GASP!_

Jim: Thank you. Bye now!

…(_Nothing happens_)...

Storm: Hello?

Jim: D'Arvit! (_Presses button and screen goes blank_)


	3. Commercials and Plot Devices

**CHAPTER EDITED JULY 13th 2006** - fixed text and added more useless dialogue.

_See chapter one for disclaimer & details, and scroll to the bottom for responses to readers._

_

* * *

_

Jim the Narrator: When we last left off in _Of Warriors and Pudding_, Martin was beating mister B.J., Gonff & the rest were using up Noonvale's phone bill, & Neo is still pissed off.

Neo: (_swearing to Trinity, grumbling_) Little midgets...

Jim: What will happen next? No one knows…

Lady Storm: I do!

Jim: Oh? Then, did you plan… THIS! (_throws a coconut at the author and runs away)_

Lady Storm: (_looks at the narrator oddly_) ...My teeth are bleeding.

(NOONVALE)

Gonff: Well, mates, thanks for lettin' me use your phone.

Urran Voh: (_armed with a spork and hiding under a bush_) Will you leave now?

Gonff: Do I have a choice?

Urran: How about no?

Grumm: Why are we all asking questions?

Gonff & Urran: _(looks at Grumm) _What?

Grumm: Urr, Oi mean, why ur we all uskin' questions, ho urr?

Urran: Well, I don't know. But you better leave – I'm armed! (_points to Grumm_)

Grumm: (_points to teeth_) Gr. Ar. Gr.

Gonff: (_flinches_) Ooh, crickey! Well then, taters! (_snaps fingers and disappears)_

Urran: I believe my job is done here.

Bird Bob: Uh, hello?

Jim: Oh, we don't need you anymore. You can go die peacefully now. (_discreetly steps on Bird Bob while looking around and whistling_)

(REDWALL)

Jim: By now, Bella and the others have thankfully gotten off the phone and are wandering about, pulling back on their clothes after a game of strip poker.

Amber: Those are images I'll take with me to the grave… (_shudders_)

Goody Spike: (_Indignant_) Hey!

Amber: Um, I wasn't talking about you…

Goody: Phew.

Amber: …Specifically.

Skipper: What's this fic rated anyway?

Jim: Ooookay, let's move on before the Abbess finds them.

Abbess Germaine: What the..? (_looks at half-dressed beasts with a few articles of clothing scattered about_) OH MY GO-!

(OUT IN MOSSFLOWER FOREST)

Jim: Brian Jaques is lying on the ground, muttering something about strangling Martin with a fish bone and said Martin is running around laughing maniacally.

Martin: I AM L337 K1NG!

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Fo' sho'!

Martin: (_stops and frowns at cell phone_) HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MAH AUTHORITAH?

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Wo?

Jim: Well, I think it's safe to say that this fic's sanity is degrading quite dramatically.

Gonff: (_appears out of nowhere_) I've HAD IT with you and your penguins!

Martin: What? Oh, come on, you know I keep them on leash- HEY!

Gonff: OH SHIP! (_Runs off_)

Martin: OH NO you don't! (_runs after him)_

Gonff: (_disappears into thin air_) It's a whole different game when you're not thirsty!

The Freaky Red Kool-Aid Jar: Screw you, kid.

Gonff: (_Unwillingly reappears_) (_sadly_) Aww.

Martin: (_drags Gonff by the collar_) Come on, infidel, I've got a bone or two to pick with you.

Gonff: But I thought we buried –

Martin: Not THOSE bones!

Gonff: …Oh.

Jim: Everybeast is silent for a moment.

Gonff: But, er, won't everybeast have left by now?

Martin: (_rolls eyes_) No.

Jim: How do you know?

Martin: (_shakes head despairingly_) Plot devices, my friend, PLOT DEVICES.

Brian Jaques: (_smiles_) Yeah, those are great. Got me out a few tight spots, they did. (_sighs happily_)

Jim: And with that dramatic and ground-breaking statement, the two argued all the way back to Redwall.

Brian Jaques: What about me?

Jim: You don't even belong in this universe!

Brian Jaques: (_sadly_) Say it, don't spray it. (_mumbles some nonsense then disappears_)

Jim: There should be a ban on how many times you can magically disappear and appear in a fanfic.

Lady Storm: The second _THAT_ happens, we're screwed.

(BACK IN REDWALL)

Jim: As we enter the abbey grounds in front of the gates, our entourage finds the strip-poker crew standing ashamedly and dejectedly behind a scandalized Abbess Germaine while Martin drags Gonff into view. Yay for run-on sentences!

Gonff: Aaaaah, that did miracles for my back. Thanks, amigo.

Martin: Don't mention - hey! For Pete's sake, don't think you're getting away with this!

Pete: I'm not?

Martin: … (_eye twitches_)

Pete: Oooookay. (_backs away as Amber glares at him_)

Martin: (_shouting_) All right, everybeast! We have a punishment to decide on.

All: (_gulps_)

Bella: Now hold yer horses one second! I need to visit the little girl's room. (_giggles and tip-toes away_)

All: …Er… (_they all look at each other, disturbed_)

Jim: After a few boring moments which consisted of staring at the clouds in an utterly absorbed manner, Bella came into view.

Bella: (_steaming mad_) I'm back, but let me tell you this; It won't cause brain damage to change the toilet paper roll!

Skipper: Speak for yourself! (_points_)

Random Otter: (_doing the moonwalk_) Aheeheehee!

Bella: (_shudders_) I see.

Martin: Well then, shall we -?

Beau: Wait, wot!

Martin: (_eye twitches_) What now?

Beau: How come _you're_ a founder, old chap? After all, wasn't _Columbine _the one beside mother abbess when she sketched out her first idea of Redwall, wot? What did you do?

Columbine: (_gulps & looks away_)

Martin: (_looks around uncomfortably_) I wish I could tell you myself…

Gonff: Didn't he slay Tsarmina?

All: (_murmur_)

Amber: Oh, that was you?

Martin: (_glares_)

Germaine: (_coughs_) Because we're trying to waste as much time as possible, I will tell you. Columbine was not one of our founders because she ended up eating the drawing –

Columbine: I WAS HUNGRY ALL RIGHT! GOSH! (_runs away crying_)

Germaine: …and that left Bella and I. So –

Goody Spike: Why Bella then?

Bella: I'm a frickin' badger, I have to rule over SOMETHING!

All: (_rolls eyes_)

Germaine: SO we decided to add Martin, because he brought the abbey more publicity.

Martin: Hey!

Bella: Well, it's true the camera adds ten pounds. I was too ashamed to attend the photo shoot!

Martin: I'm a frickin' PUBLICITY prop?

Germaine: Pretty much, yeah.

Martin: D: ( -----one of those internet smileys that represent an **EXPRESSION OF ANSOLUTE TOTAL HORROR AND DESPERATION**)

Amber: Well that's nice. (_doesn't care_) Any more interruptions we need to get out the way before we reach our dramatic climax?

Jim: You just totally stole my lines!

Amber: Plot device, my friend.

Jim: Sounds familiar.

Random Dude Named As Such Because I'm Too Lazy To Remember Which Characters Are In This Scene: So. Uh. Why are we all talking and wasting time on purpose, doing completely idiotic and illogical things?

All: (_give RDNASBITLTRWCAITS a dirty look_) Hey, these sort of things are taboo. There are UNSPOKEN RULES, you know.

Lady Storm: Hey, I stuck him in here on purpose, as a convienvient plot tool to explain to the readers what is going on. Have some respect!

Jim: Actually, she stuck him there because her writing sucks so much that a) they wouldn't get it otherwise and b) she's too dumb to even write a proper fic with real paragraphs. She hasn't even touched her other things in about two years. Did you actually expect anything better?

Readers: We have a word for that in 337, and that is: "**PWND**!111one1! (lolroxorz).".

Jim: Indeed, fabulous vocabulary these days.

Bella: Now I shall go and answer RDNASBITLTRWCAITS' offensive question! It's because we're near the end of the fic, so Stormy over here -

Lady Storm: (_gives a feeble wave_)

Bella: - Is trying to salvage what's left of this idiotic fic by sticking even more idiotic things in as a last minute attempt to finally explain to everyone what's been going on for the past ... er, actually, the whole story. Oh and to make the fic seem longer and stick anything else in here that she thinks is funny so that people might actually read this thing.

Lady Storm: I sense I am not loved.

Bella: I don't want to have to lie to you sweetie.

Gonff: I've got an interruption!

Goody: Alright, bring it.

Gonff: (_clears throat and points dramatically_) LOOK! AN OOMPA LOOMPA!

Oompa Loompa: _Oompa, loompa, goobledeedoo, don't drag me into this, you piece of poo. (runs away)_

Gonff: Aw. (_looks down, dejected_)

Martin: Alright, can we PLEASE get to Gonff's sentence of impending doom now?

All: Yeah, okay. (_they shrug & murmur with each other_)

Beau: Hey chaps, it's fiddy cent!

Goody: …Okay, NOT a worthy senseless interruption. Back to-

Beau: No really, it's Fifty!

50 Cent: (_Suddenly appears_) All I need is a lil' bit, not a lot baby girl just a lil' –

Martin: DEAR GOD, MAKE HIM STOP (_pulls out a Glock 26 and shoots him_)

50 Cent: Please don't, I'll take you to the candy – (_gets shot and dies_)

Martin: And put your hat back on, PLEASE!

Jim: Erm… (_coughs_) The author would like to take a moment to explain that this was just a harmless joke and that fiddy's music doesn't suck _that_ bad. …_His hair does though._

Lady Storm: In other words, no offence meant. …You _wannabe-rapper-sonnova_… (_gets dragged away by Jim_)

Jim: (_calls out from far away_) No really, she doesn't mean it.

Lady Storm: (_glares_)

Martin: You poser, you listen to classical!

Lady Storm: (_bursts out into tears_) Dear Llama God... I... I **SUCK**!

Jim: And they all pointed and laughed as she gets dragged away.

Martin: ARE WE QUITE DONE HERE?

Germaine: (_checks daily planner_) Yeah, sounds right.

Martin: (_sighs_) Finally. Alright, everybeast in favour of punishing Gonff?

Jim: Everybeast enthusiastically raised their paws.

Gonff: (_cries out_) You can't do that! I raise your total daily dose of awesomeness by 600 percent!

All: Whatever. (_cough_) Franken Pierrery rip-off. (_another cough_)

Martin: Good, now let's get to business. Gonff, give me back my pudding.

Gonff: (_looks around uncomfortably_) Well, I'd like to, but…

Martin: Are you telling me that you-?

Gonff: Depends. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Martin: (_Sighs_) Yes, however I shall pretend otherwise.

Jim: So… his punishment?

Gonff: Crap! You HAD to remind him?

Martin: Off with your tail!

Jim: So Martin runs after Gonff, and the rest is history.

All: …

Reader Input: OMFG LIEK WTF SO LAME. You write three chapters and THIS is your grand conclusion?

Jim: You know, authors need love too. I'm starting to actually feel sorry for our poor pathetic Stormy.

Amber: ...

Bella: So, is this it?

Skipper: I guess so...

Beau: Well this sucks, wot.

Goody: It can't end yet!

Jim: Yeah, how about making up another story!

Lady Storm: (_pops back into view_) Hm. Okay! A chance to make myself useless once again!I'll figure out something-

Random Extra: We already know!

All: Huh?

Random Extra: We read the script. (_points and looks at script_) In fact, at this moment I'm supposed to squint at the script and say, "we already read the script." Then I must point and look at the script and say, "In fact, at the moment I'm supposed to squint at the script-"

All: Enough!

Lady Storm: No matter. While you were talking, I came up with another brilliant script!

Martin: I feel a headache coming on…

Lady Storm: It'll be a masterpiece! No one will have read anything like it! Not even Brian Jaques himself! I am proud to introduce you to two new characters! First we have our new baddie, Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321.

Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321: Gr.

All: Double-u-tee-eff?

Lady Storm: That's the spirit! Now for our future heroine, who was attacked by Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321 when she was young, sexually harassed by a tree, beaten with a dead swordfish carcass - how cruel, whowould do that! -and will grow up to avenge her parent's death, Sickeningly-Cute-Future-Champion-Of-Redwall-Mouse-Maid!

SCFCORMM: Eek.

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr.

SCFCORMM: Eek eek?

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr gr!

SCFCORMM: Eek! Eek eek.

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr -

All: ALRIGHT, STOP!

Skipper: That actually sounds like all the other Redwall plots…

Brian Jaques: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Goody: Touchy.

Beau: Tell you wot, chap, drop the idea altogether.

Lady Storm: …Yeah, I guess you're right.

Martin: (_runs back to join them, panting_) So this is the end, huh?

Beau: I guess so, chap. Wot happened to Gonff?

Martin: (_evil grin_)

Germaine:I'm guessing you don't want anyone to ask why you are carrying a shovel as well…

Martin: (_evil laughter_)

Jim: Well then. Goodbye sweet viewers! (_his voice echoes_)

Gonff: (_Appears suddenly, in pain, and with questionable body parts absent _) Even _I _don't find that funny. Give it up.

Fanfiction Universe Police Officer: That's right – I've got a score to settle with a certain author about abusing appearing and disappearing privileges!

Lady Storm: Everybeast run!

Jim: And they all ran, and ran, and ran, and the police officer ended up dying of a fur-induced allergy attack, and they all cheered and danced around his corpse, and all lived illogically after.

* * *

_Yeeeep, this is it. There was really no point to this story, and it was pretty obvious. I hope you guys enjoyed my cheap laughs! There MIGHT be a sequel-slash-epilogue if anyone can inspire me or feed me ideas… but otherwise don't count on it. I'd say "adieu" about now, but I have quite a few more ideas for Redwall. Would anyone be interested in reading a comedy about Redwall character's fears? Truth be told, I already wrote the first chapter, because I'm a bored idiot. You could request having personal characters interviewed and such. _(winks)_ Interested? Tell me what you guys think, and bye for now._

_Oh yeah, and, you know, I do like classic music. It's nice. However I like hiphop as well, I just needed to rip off something. I know. I am a detestable person. I love you too.  
__  
-Lady Storm_


End file.
